I’ve recently been doing a humour unit with Uni. Below is a revised recipe for Turducken which was inspired by The Chasers and their cannibal recipes. Eat up.
At Christmas time, many the adventurous cook will attempt to wow friends and family with the infamous Turducken – A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken stuffed with herbed sausage meat. Now this is a challenge for even the best cooks, but if you really want to ramp it up this year and get some serious kudos then you must try the Turd-fuckem.
Firstly, you will need to hunt and kill a Malcom Turnbull, a Bill Shorten and for a healthy touch of green, Richard Di Natalie. In past experience the hunting is much more fun than the eating but hey that’s just me. Once you have successfully hunted down these suckers, you need to hang them up by their feet and bleed them out. Bit grim, I know, but this will honestly get you the best results.
Hang until the meat is supple and tender, the more intransigent the Polly the longer this may take. When you are happy, it’s time for the magic. Gut and de-bone the Turnbull first, he is the biggest swinging dick of the lot and you can fit a lot of shit in him. Lay him out on your butchers’ bench and take a mallet to the flesh for tenderisation and a bit of anger management. You can now repeat the process with the Shorten and the Di Natalie. Season the flesh well and add a bit of herbage for depth of flavour. Lay Shorten on top of Turnbull, skin side down, and then place Di Natalie on top of Shorten, also skin side down. Sausage meat time and you can’t go wrong with a healthy portion of sage and Abbott (Tony Abbott is only good for sausage meat and mince as he’s a sinewy bugger). Lay the sausage turd down the middle of the Di Natalie and then wrap the meat around it, then the Shorten and finally the Turnbull. Grab your butchers’ string and tie that sucker up tight.
Due to the heavy meat content, set your oven on a low 160.c and cook slowly for much of December. It should be ready for the big day by then, but do allow good resting time before carving otherwise it may all fall apart like a hung-parliament. Bring to the table while you play the Australian National Anthem and then carve generous slices for all. It will definitely taste like shit but will give you a lovely glow of satisfaction that these idiots can no longer mess with your life. Merry Christmas.