Category: politics

Marriage is sacred?


I try not to watch too much tabloid reality TV (except Masterchef and the Biggest Loser because they’re great and don’t count in my middle class snooty selective TV watching), mainly because it’s shit and I’ve got a shed load of binge series backed up on Netflix. To keep myself up with the cool kids, I tend to watch Gogglebox, which not only makes me laugh (what a malaka) but also gives you a quick précis of all the crap telly that’s on.

This week, amongst the usual dross, was the ultimate dross, Married at First Sight, which is currently airing on that bastion of the highbrow taste, Channel 9. For those not in the know, complete strangers meet for the first time at the altar and get married. We then follow the outcome of this pretend marriage to see if loves eternal sigh has been reached or they just fucking hate each other. All good stuff (apparently).

Now, normally I wouldn’t give this sort of fluff a passing thought. If you want to make a dick of yourself on national TV by looking sad and desperate, knock yourself out. It’s your crummy life after all. But in the week when we have the political debacle which is the same-sex plebiscite, this bloody show really stuck in my craw.

OK, so your far-right, still living in the 1950’s, Christian nutbag can’t seem to accept that society has moved on from a paternal dominated society, that your archetypal family is not (and hasn’t been for a long time) Mum, Dad and two rosy cheeked kids and that all the polling indicates that the majority of us would like to join the rest of the western world in the 21st Century and afford same-sex couples the same rights us breeder hetro’s have been enjoying for centuries.


A quick glance at the internet and these are the main arguments the socially challenged put up in their retro-defence:

  1. It Is Not Marriage (yes it is)
  2. It Violates Natural Law (I don’t even know what this means, but sounds incorrect)
  3. It Always Denies a Child Either a Father or a Mother (But offer’s a loving and caring home)
  4. It Validates and Promotes the Homosexual Lifestyle (And?)
  5. It Turns a Moral Wrong into a Civil Right (according to whom?)
  6. It Does Not Create a Family but a Naturally Sterile Union (Or a loving home for an orphan perhaps)
  7. It Defeats the State’s Purpose of Benefiting Marriage (Horsehit, just share the rights around equally.)
  8. It Imposes Its Acceptance on All Society (fine by me, I’m progressive not regressive)
  9. It Is the Cutting Edge of the Sexual Revolution (Ooh those naughty gays with their iOS 10 style sex stuff)
  10. It Offends God (How do you know? Has anyone seen her/him recently?)

(Source: TFP student action (twats)

Back to the stupid show. This programme does a lot more damage to the sanctity of marriage than will the coming together of two loving and committed adults of whatever gender. It’s a total fucking farce and I’m not the only one who thinks so. There is a petition on Change.Org which I urge you all to sign. If its Ok to totally devalue marriage like Channel 9 seem so happy to do in the pursuit of profit and ratings then it should be totally OK for our MP’s to do their frigging job, grow some balls and vote it through Parliament. It’s a win/win – our broad community gets to enjoy the same rights whichever team you play for, the government can then save the $200 million odd it was planning to waste on the plebiscite and could then spend it on something far more worthwhile, like a school perhaps, or a hospital or foreign aid even.

I’m pretty confident we’ll get there eventually, but it saddens me that we have to make it so hard and convoluted for ourselves. With that and our wonderful treatment of refugees we must look like the ranting and eccentric uncle of the global family. The one we humour, but we are all just a bit embarrassed by and hope they go home soon.

Turducken – a cannibals recipe

I’ve recently been doing a humour unit with Uni. Below is a revised recipe for Turducken which was inspired by The Chasers and their cannibal recipes. Eat up.


At Christmas time, many the adventurous cook will attempt to wow friends and family with the infamous Turducken – A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken stuffed with herbed sausage meat. Now this is a challenge for even the best cooks, but if you really want to ramp it up this year and get some serious kudos then you must try the Turd-fuckem.

Firstly, you will need to hunt and kill a Malcom Turnbull, a Bill Shorten and for a healthy touch of green, Richard Di Natalie. In past experience the hunting is much more fun than the eating but hey that’s just me. Once you have successfully hunted down these suckers, you need to hang them up by their feet and bleed them out. Bit grim, I know, but this will honestly get you the best results.


Hang until the meat is supple and tender, the more intransigent the Polly the longer this may take. When you are happy, it’s time for the magic. Gut and de-bone the Turnbull first, he is the biggest swinging dick of the lot and you can fit a lot of shit in him. Lay him out on your butchers’ bench and take a mallet to the flesh for tenderisation and a bit of anger management. You can now repeat the process with the Shorten and the Di Natalie. Season the flesh well and add a bit of herbage for depth of flavour. Lay Shorten on top of Turnbull, skin side down, and then place Di Natalie on top of Shorten, also skin side down. Sausage meat time and you can’t go wrong with a healthy portion of sage and Abbott (Tony Abbott is only good for sausage meat and mince as he’s a sinewy bugger). Lay the sausage turd down the middle of the Di Natalie and then wrap the meat around it, then the Shorten and finally the Turnbull. Grab your butchers’ string and tie that sucker up tight.

Due to the heavy meat content, set your oven on a low 160.c and cook slowly for much of December. It should be ready for the big day by then, but do allow good resting time before carving otherwise it may all fall apart like a hung-parliament. Bring to the table while you play the Australian National Anthem and then carve generous slices for all. It will definitely taste like shit but will give you a lovely glow of satisfaction that these idiots can no longer mess with your life. Merry Christmas.


Casino Mike: The righteous politician.

casino mike

Photo: Artist Scott Marsh finishing off his work targeting NSW Premier ‘Casino’ Mike Baird. (Getty: Cole Bennetts)

Hi all, I recently did a little satirical piece for Uni concerning our beloved NSW Premier, Mike Baird, otherwise known as ‘Casino Mike’. For those of you from interstate or overseas, perhaps a little background. Casino Mike is the god-fearing Liberal (conservative) Premier of our beloved state. He has recently got the better of himself and let power go to his head.  These very unpopular policies which seem only to benefit those in the Casino Mike team have proved most unwelcome and a backlash is in full swing.

Below is not only the piece I wrote, but also a wonderful video rendition of my words by my good chum, Michael Teulon. Not only did he star in the video, he also provided all the technical gubbins through his production company – Key Studios. Cheers Mate.



“The life of a virtuous and god-fearing Member of Parliament is a testing one. The taxing burden is even greater when you achieve, as I have done, the high office of Premier. Praise be.

When I set out on this righteous path, my only goal was to serve my electorate and the fine, up-standing peoples of this god-blessed state. So I find it very galling when those lefties and greenies start poking their nose into the real business of state management. They seem to think that compassion for refugees, a vibrant nightlife, concern for the climate and the separation of state from corporate funding is more important than the building of massive roads, the promotion of gambling, funding Christian teachings in state schools and approving invasive mining techniques in prime agricultural land. What planet are these hairy atheists on!?

With the help of my chums on talk-back radio (thank-you Alan, thank-you Ray) and those top fellas at the Daily Telegraph (thank-you Rupert), we’ve managed to keep these wealth destroyers in check. Lord be praised. Of course, they have a strong enclave in the inner city suburbs but our thoughtful policies of flattening them and building endless stacks of apartments is flushing them out and away to the dark outer-reaches of our glorious metropolis.

To support this urban destruction/renewal – take your pick, we are driving a much need motorway through the area. Obviously, this will mean knocking down a few old houses. They bleat heritage, I say, fear of the new. For those few, who have somehow managed to find the money to buy a house, we have instituted an initiative to merge their councils. Ridding ourselves of those duly elected representatives (who aren’t in our gang) and installing a more commercial minded management team. It’s not our fault if these new managers happen to be from the correct side of politics. It’s for the best. Have faith.

Eventually they will see the light or better still, move to Victoria. Once our mission is complete and we have created a concrete glistening, money making Utopia in Gods own emerald Sydney. Then we can turn our attention to the non-Christian, non-English speaking horde knocking at the door of our leafy suburbs. That great orator, Donald Trump, is planning to build a wall to stop the Mexican wave. We have a similar proposal in committee, but ours is a financial wall that will stop the creep of the great unwashed to our pristine door. I am confident that our plans will be seen as the progressive policies that they are. It is by only defending the haves that we can control, I mean, aid the have nots.

My mind is clear, the lord is on my side and the polls indicate thus – I am the chosen one, money is the weapon of the righteous and in our pursuit of it, we shall create God’s heaven here by the beach. Amen”