In the chair



Went to the Dentist today for a check up. Left the Dentist today $1200 lighter. It’s not been the best day.

I don’t mind the Dentist and thanks to hereditary disease, smoking, poor teeth management and being British (stereotype enforcement alert) my Dentist doesn’t mind me either. And when I say Dentist I mean Dentist(s). Yes, not only do I visit a GP Dentists I also visit a Professor, no less, of Periodontimy (not sure if that’s a real world) who has been fixing my gum issues for 6 years now. This all costs a fair bit of the old folding stuff but today was particularly gratuitous.

I was behind six months due to a mix-up in my scheduling – had to go to the UK to attend poorly parent, and I failed to re-book. I knew I had a filling which needed small repair, but in the interim I had managed to start grinding my teeth again which meant I had managed to chip (quite badly) a front tooth and all through the power of stress and anxiety. If the world is ever looking for a new energy source I reckon there is a decent megawatt or two to be garnered from Peoples gob while they grind and clench in their fretful sleep ( take note Mr Abbott). I digress, so the chip tooth needed rebuilding as well and also a fancy gum shield is now required to stop me shattering my remaining sorry toothy pegs. This requires very expensive moulds being taken and a personalised piece of polymer created just for me. There’s more, I then needed a full scrape and sonic clean and lastly some orange flavoured fluoride snot was deposited in my mouth to kill anything likely to still be alive after the initial frontal assault.

That’s a lot of treatment; an hour and a half of lying in the chair listening to show tunes sung by Celine Dion and having my mouth reassembled cost me (after health fund deductions) 1200 big’uns. It was a shock to say the least, but what was my alternative? Metal teeth like Jaws from the Bond movies? That could be quite handy for opening beer bottles and tin cans or scaring the crap out of the kids but not overly attractive and a high potential for rust issues.

The only highlight of this sorry venture was the 1.5 hours in the chair. I always, and I mean always, shut my eyes while the D-man is going to it. I would like to say the reason for this is that I enjoy the surprise of guessing what instrument he’s going to use, or because I like to pretend he’s performing magic and I don’t want the illusion shattered. The truth is that to control my nerves, if I shut my eyes so that I can not see what instrument of mass dentation he is using, I wont be  quite so scared.

I have used this method for years and it has become quite effective, so much so, that I start drifting off and thinking about all sorts of shit. Today, when we began, I was thinking mainly about my Mum and some problems which had come up with the sports soccer team (which I mis-manage). By the end of the session I was thinking about what the Dentists might be thinking and whether he was thinking about what I was thinking. I was also thinking what shit music taste he had. It go me through and I even felt quite rested – until I got the bill of course.


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